[edit] I'm opening up here more then I ever had before on the internet so keep your judgements open please.

The best letter I ever received was actually pretty tragic. It all stems back to when I was growing into myself and making bad choices. My parents put me into a group therapy program for people that were recovering from drugs and alcohol and at the time I was angry because I was only experimenting with marijuana and thought it was a great injustice because none of my friend's parents gave a damn, but it honestly gave me a great perspective and kept me out of a lot of potential trouble. My group leader was inspiring. He was from Philadelphia, born and raised, and spent his life in foster homes and on the streets. He had somehow found his way to god (who at the time meant a lot to me) and got a nursing degree and devoted his life to his family and keeping troubled teens out of the ditch. He was incredible. He drew from his experiences and understood our problems. He talked to us with understanding and handled our addictions with respect. He always said he understood why we wanted to get high and related it to his on experiences with heroine and how he overcame it.

After years of being sober I got a letter from him saying that he had messed up badly and was in jail. He went out, got drunk and did heroine with a complete stranger. He told me that he's sorry he let me down and that he had been sitting in a jail cell for the past week trying to remember if there ever was something worth living for. And he remembered us... those hopless kids from his group... the ones that no one had quite given up on but the ones who where most likely to fail.  He asked me to tell him what I was doing and "to be real" he always wanted us to be real. And no one ever had a problem with it. He never judged us the way other adults had. He understood and he tried to teach us what to do about our mistakes. He said he hoped I was doing well and he hoped that I wasn't still dating losers that treated me like dirt and that I had finally accepted my adoptive father as my real dad. He rememebered things that I told him that I had forgotten. Things you write in your diary only to read years later and think how frivolous it all was. Things about my mom that I thought were terribly unjustified (like sleeping over my friends house on a school night) but finally understood.

He had two beautiful smart children and a loving, understanding wife but could no longer resist the urge to get high. He told me that the urge would always be there and it was like a great evil living and growing within your heart. That it was an everyday struggle just to keep it from overcoming your life no matter how happy and fullfilling it may be. He had succome to the evil and went on a heroine binge leaving his children at home alone while his wife was visiting her sick mother in the hospital. He said he knew what he was doing was wrong but somehow couldn't stop himself. He lost his job, was sent to jail for endangering his children, and was now in the midst of a divorce.

Somehow through the entire let down of this great iconic figure in my life, who seemed to bypass all the laws of class, his life experiences made an impact in me. For a long time I had been living in resentment of the idea that you couldn't do these bad things... you couldn't live for your own satisfaction. His downfall became my uprising.

During your young adult hood you think you know it all. You think you are going to change everything by experiencing everything your told to ignore. But at some point in your life you grow up and realize that history class is more then just the politics of the world. It's a way of life. The path to nirvana is that path through the past, and the path of your elders. For some reason all those stories that my father told me about the horrible lives the kids he grew up with came to live... those that did too many drugs... they never really settled in. And I think it was because I didn't see them at their best.

I saw Gary at his best. When he was full of what I thought was god. When he was full of love for his children and his wife, and when he new he was making a difference in the world. When I think of Sara and Mike, the two heroine addicts that were just trying to turn their lives around, and how he showed them how to live with their pain of withdrawl. And when I heard that they had a child and had steady jobs and were sober... and I realize that there is an amazing life beyond self satisfaction, beyond living for just one day. I finally realized what he gave up in that one and final day of endulgance. Everything that I hoped to build for just thrown away for a silly addiction. Life hit me and I realized this was Gary's final life lesson.

I was mad at first. Upset that my hero had been a sham this entire time... that he was just as human as me... I was very angry for a long time. But now I look back on that letter and I realized that in all those live lessons and all those tools, and all those coping skills that he taught me all boiled down to this. If I can learn from one persons mistakes, then I can finally be one step closer to living the dream. The dream of love and kindness. The dream of living for eachother, and understanding that giving to others is more self satisfaction and endulgance then any drug can give. Seeing the happiness and love in your family and friends eyes and knowing that they know... that you won't ever let them down. That's what really makes life worth living for.

I'll never think badly on Gary again. I don't have his address any longer but if I did, I think he would be happy to know that even though he royally messed up his life and family he made a difference in his life. I think thats what he always wanted. He always said "I just don't want anyone to suffer the way I have. And that's why I'm talking to you today. I want you to get real" He got a bunch of strangers to talk by telling us that the only way to touch someone else and get them to trust you is to tell them about yourself. And that's something every human wants. Trust from their peers.

Gary... you taught me self respect in ways that I only wish I could show to my children. But I know they'll find their own way. I only wish I could guide them the way you guided us.

I would tell Hannah (6) that God was someone/something that she will spend a lifetime trying to find and understand. I would tell her that she should learn what God means to different people and then form her own opinion.

Angry and betrayed and lied to.

There is so much evidence that goes unexplained or contradicted over and over again. Popular Mechanics, the History Channel, FOX news... none of them can be trusted. Search for the truth, demand the truth.

The memory of 9/11 will not rest till we get answers. I'm sick of people saying they are sick of hearing about 9/11 "It was six years ago, get over it" This wasn't a natural disaster... this wasn't a part of life, it was a government murdering their own people.

I've been in the dark for a long time about the world that's going on around me. I rationalized  that I have a daughter to raise and a roof over my head to struggle for, and that should be all that concerns me. I've been in basic survival mode. But I was recently stirred from my slumber by http://www.loosechange911.com/

I may be a day late and a dollar short, but I wasn't ever fully aware at the extent of corruption. Always thinking that it was common knowledge that something fishy has been happening in our country for the longest time, always aware that things weren't quite right with 9/11... I never fully understood.

It just took that one major realization to wake me up to the injustice. I cried like I had lost my mother at that. An extreme and painful ache has entered my soul and it weeps daily at my obliviousness. The guilt is overwhelming. I find myself in a state of constant education, a game of catch up.

"What else have I turned a blind eye to?" and a whole world of monsters opens up to me. I see leaders allowing the rape and murder of children. I see people standing up and speaking out and getting locked away for it. I see propaganda, I see lies and cover ups.

I've made a vow with myself to do all I can, and to never rest on the subject of human rights... to never quit. It weighs on me, but I can handle it. I hope.

I'm sure I've felt a lot of support throughout the years. I have such a loving and giving family to back me up no matter what and I'm so lucky for that. But I think I was most supprised by outside support I was given through friends and aquaintances most recently, when I made a major life change by breaking up with my near-lifelong friend and long term boyfriend. People change and it's a natural part of life, and I noticed the change in him, but I was still clinging to what he used to be. So it was hard to let go. But a lot of my friends supported my tough decission and helped me through it. I assume they were so final in their own opinions about the situation because they hadn't known him as long as I have... and saw him treating me badly and hoped the best for me. I appriciate them carring about my wellbeing enough to give me good heartfelt advice. I never felt so supported by anyone other then my family.

It pains me to say that against everything I know and have grown to be comfortable with, I do not believe in God. I beleive in a higher power, and a driving force, but it isn't one boss, and it isn't something to spend every Sunday praising. It's a hard realization for me to come to because of the fact that I was brought up Catholic and the religon is a big force to deal with in my daily life. But I have to be true to what I feel and I feel that it's a sham.

I have spirituality. I believe in the kindness of humans, and the connection of family and friends. I believe in our connection to the earth and the universe. I believe in love and emotions... and I believe there is a scientific explanation for nearly everything. But I don't believe there is a scientific explaniation for how it all works together to make life a beautiful thing.

[Edit - 8.12.07]
Thanks everyone for your support and words of wisdom. I appriciate everyone's take on this subject and their hope in my finding a place with God.